Ebbs and Flows...

I guess it's natural to have ebbs and flows of emotion in any situation. At the end of last week, I was in a serious ebb. I just wanted to go home. I am not sure why. I guess I just got to the point where I wanted things to be easy and convenient. I wanted to be in a familiar space in a familiar setting with familiar faces. I also spoke with my parents and that probably exacerbated my feeling of disconnect.

At the same time, I had a rotten time at school last week - in all actuality, it wasn't that bad. But given the aforementioned conditions, sitting on a rattan chaise lounge being fanned by hulking hunks and fed grapes by my darling husband by the shimmery blue sea would have been a horrible fate, too. The only thing I can point to as a downer in my class experience was the teacher. In my role as a student again, I am offered a unique insight into the role and the effect teachers can have on the climate of the classroom. While I try to keep my role in the classroom fluid, i.e. I am teaching/orchestrating the learning of 25 individuals in one group while trying to maintain an open heart and mind to the teaching the children offer each day. Last week, I learned that this may be more of an exception than a rule in the education world. I feel lucky to have had a yucky teacher-student experience last week. While that may sound strange, it really reminded me about how powerful the teacher is in the life, development and self-esteem building (or wreaking) of the children in their charge.

At first, my teacher, whose name ironically was Luz (light), came across as hip to our small group of 30-somethings. The week started off pretty innocuously with the usual introductions and niceties so Luz could size up our Oral Spanish Skills. I am proud to say that I was the most verbal of the crew. After a few sentences, Luz began to correct my comments incessantly, rather than offering me the time I needed to correct myself. Perhaps this was a clash of teaching styles, but I was bothered by her approach. I was annoyed mostly because her corrections were accompanied by quizzical, judgemental-feeling glances over her nose-tip resting spectacles. Ouch. I felt a lot discouraged after The first day but I tried to keep an open mind, and attributed the sour taste in my mouth to new group blues. I was sure that the rest of the week was going to be full of positive, upbeat, fun learning. Sadly, the taste got worse and thankfully inspired this diatribe!

Luz continued to reprimand our stabs at grammatical concepts with "nyet!" noises and more over-glasses staring alternately paired by raised eyebrows and widened eyes. As you may have guessed, I didn't really learn a lot of Spanish last week. My response to Luz's style was pretty close to a complete, albeit polite, shutdown. I rarely offered answeres or asked questions. I was full of nervous energy whenever it was my turn to share or to apply skills. I really shut down. At first, I tried to use my comfort default of humor to diffuse the situation (which was rather challenging in a second, very wobbly, second language!) and to break apart Luz's iciness. But, that lasted about a millisecond becuase obviously my jokes were another chance to correct my stabs at Spanish. Suffice it to say, the classroom wasn't a place to take risks, make mistakes and cement true learning.

The whole experience reminds me of the incredible influence and power we wield as teachers on the children in our charge. I felt that intimately last week. It gave me a chance to reflect upon my approach to teaching. I consider myself an upbeat, supportive, positive, excited and fun educator. Each day is a joy of learning and teaching for me. However, I´m sure I've had moments of "Luz" where a quick, thoughtless, response/command/suggestion caused a young child consternation and defeat. We are human and even teachers make mistakes. However, after last week's experiences, I hope my "Luz" moments have been few and far between. Every micromovement, glance, and word effects our students. I have been meaningfully reminded of the delicacy of the teacher-student relationship. However, rather than agonize over misjudgements, I'd rather reflect on my humaness as a teacher and push forward to a teaching style and classroom environment truly full of hope, caring, peace and LIGHT!

P.S. As an aside to this, I learned this week that Luz is a teacher because she couldn't find a position in Cusco to use her Advanced Degree in Biology. That's a story for another blog entry...

Hope all is well.

kerry